In so far as jokes are concerned, lawyers are an easy target. Below are some typical lawyer jokes. All those readers lacking a sense of humour kindly press [Back] on your browser.
| An important member of the community had died. All the bigshots showed up at the funeral. The mayor stops at the coffin, says a few kind words, and throws a $100 bill the open coffin. The police chief is next, also says a few kind words, throws another $100 into the coffin. Next comes the town's big lawyer who says a few words, grabs the 2 $100 bills and throws in a $300 check. |
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| A lawyer dies and goes to heaven and is greeted at the gate by St Peter. "Welcome! We've been waiting for you, I am supposed to show you to your room!" Well, that's nice thinks the lawyer, so follows him. They get to an elevator and St Peter enters some sort of code and they're whisked away. The doors open and there's this amazing room in sight, a grand ballroom with fountains of fine wine and trays of exquisite fruits and servants etc. "Wow!" says the lawyer. "No, this isn't it, this is for Bishops" frowns St Peter. So he punches up a code again and again they're transported to another room. This room is more fantastic than the last, a beautiful sky above, rainbows, a live band playing heavenly music. "WOW!" says the lawyer. "No, this still isn't it, this is for Popes, let me make a call." So he does and punches another code into the elevator and once again they're whisked off to a room. This one makes the last two seem like the poor section of town, major angels standing around chit-chatting by the pool, a warm sun overhead, the room seems to go on as far as the eye can see with just one indulgence after another. "Is this it?" asks the lawyer, at this point doubtful. "Yes! This is your room, do you like it?" "Well, yes, but, the other two rooms, this is for me?" "Ah! You don't understand, see, we get lots of Bishops and Popes, but YOU sir are our first lawyer!" |
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| Heaven and Hell are separated by a brick wall. Over the eons it's gotten a bit disheveled, bricks missing, in need of repair. God shouts over to Satan "This wall needs fixing! Your souls and my souls shouldn't be able to see each other." Satan responds "So fix it yourself, leave me alone." This angers God and he shouts back "If you don't at least split the work with me I will sue you!" Satan, with a smirk, responds "Oh yeah? And where are YOU going to find a lawyer?" |
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| Q: What do you call
5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start! Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? A: Take your foot off his head. A: No... Good! Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? A: The bucket. Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat. Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his ass. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A: From chasing parked ambulances. Q: Where can you find a good lawyer? A: In the cemetary. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A: A vampire only sucks blood at night. |
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| Two lawyers were shipwrecked on a desert island. After several weeks, they saw a beautiful mermaid swim by. One lawyer says to the other, Hey, let's screw her. The other one asks, Out of what? |
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| Lawyers sometimes tell the truth - they'll do anything to win a case. - Jeremy Bentham |
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| One day the phone
rang in the law office of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe.
"Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, may I help you?"
The caller asked, "I want to speak with Mr.
Dewey." "We regret to inform you sir that Mr.
Dewey died just yesterday." "Oh, is that right?
Good-bye." Every day for the next two weeks the same
man called back, and the same exchange occurred. Finally,
the receptionist said, "Sir, I told you that Mr. Dewey died. Why do you keep calling?" The man replied, "I just like to hear it." |
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| What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One's a bottom dwelling scum sucker and the other's a fish. |
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| A man sat down at a
bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double
scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into
his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was
followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough. The bartender said, "I've got to ask you – what's with the pocket business?" The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough." |
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| Why don't snakes bite attorneys? Professional courtesy. |
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| Life is filled with
hard decisions. For example...you are driving home from
work, and as you cross the bridge, you see an IRS Auditor
and a Lawyer in a terrible traffic accident. Both cars
are ablaze, and you would only have time to rescue one of them. What do you do... go home and watch Cosby, or the Simpsons? |
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| Why does New York have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got first choice. |
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| A man went to a lawyer for a defense after he had been caught embezzling millions from his employer. He was concerned about going to jail, but was told by the attorney, 'Don't worry--you'll never go to jail with all that money.' The lawyer was right. When the man went to prison, he didn't have a dime. |
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| What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 60?? "Your Honor." |
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| A Russian, a Cuban,
an American and a lawyer were at a party. The Russian was
walking around with this BIG bottle of Vodka. He took one
small sip of it and threw it out the window. Everybody
asked, "Why did you do that?" and he said, "Oh, but we have more than enough Vodka in Russia!" Later, the Cuban was walking around with this HUGE cigar. He took one puff and threw it out the window. Everybody asked, "Why did you do that?" and he replied, "Oh, but we have more than enough cigars in Cuba!" Even later the American was walking around with the lawyer. He said one word to him and threw him out the window. |
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| A woman wrote to Dear Abby: "I have a dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiance. My mother is a well-known madam, my father is a convict, and my brother is a lawyer. My sister sells heroin to the children at the school down the street. She started doing that after my father got sent to prison for molesting her. I also have a problem – I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration, this is my question, how do I tell my fiance that my brother is a lawyer?" |
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| A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman. "What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting Satan snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?" |
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| How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford? |
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| What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school? A fucking know-it-all. |
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| Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?" |
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| A man asked a lawyer his fee, and was told it was $50.00 for three questions. "Isn't that awfully steep?" he asked. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" |
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| What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher. |
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